A Long Time Coming

I don't remember a time when I loved my body. I don't remember waking up, consistently at a month's given time or longer, and feeling good in my body. It has always felt like I have been trapped in this skin that I hate, this skin that has caused so many self-esteem issues in my life, and an excess of skin that has buried me into a life of negative self-image. 

This doesn't mean I felt trapped in a way that I had never tried to change my body. I was an active kid, I played sports, and I ate good food. I wasn't a picky eater, I was just as glad to eat leafy greens as I was to eat a piece of pizza. I loved food, I loved shotput, I loved volleyball and basketball.

I'm female, and my eyes are always wandering and staring at the other girls. They especially wandered when I was in elementary school. I noticed I was going through puberty a lot faster. My hips were getting wider, my chest was getting bigger, but my stomach wasn't lengthening, I wasn't losing my baby fat in that region, and that made me feel different, in the bathroom when we changed for gym, I could feel a sickness coming on, the sickening feeling of insecurity. 

My parents, at this age, never pushed me to lose weight. My dad constantly told me how I was young, and still developing, and what he and my mom were feeding me was not cause for a lifestyle change. I was young, but I didn't see age, I saw body. By the time I was in high school, I saw some changes to my body. Looking back now, I don't know why I thought I was so overweight! I lost so much baby fat and there was a point where I looked a little too thin, but all I saw was weight that still needed to be lost. I got into fads, bought diet pills, even exercised once in awhile at the gym. Nothing was long-term, I couldn't stick anything out. Not to mention, I didn't know anything about working out except for getting on an elliptical or a treadmill, and that bored me after about a week. I had to drag myself to the gym. 

This continued through college. I'd buy memberships to gyms I'd barely frequent. I even bought a training package and threw my savings at a gym manager to buy out a contract that wasn't clear with its goals. By the time I graduated college, I didn't know what to do. I rejected the job offer I had, I had no plans for graduate school, and I certainly didn't know what I wanted to do with life in general. I did know, however, that I wanted to change the one thing I've been battling my entire life-- my body. And now I had all the time in the world to do it. Welcome to my journey, and thank you for visiting!